Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Is SIZE important?
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She's just aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she quickly grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
"Why are you in such a hurry?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I'm afraid you're about ready to blow!"
Did you know???
The first human sex change took place in 1950 when the Danish doctor Christian Hamburger operated on George Jargensen. Shortly after the operation, this world famous New Yorker changed her to Christine Jargensen.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Military Life?
A new Iranian Army Captain is assigned to a Revolutionary Guard unit in an extremely remote post near the Iraq border.During his first inspection, he notices a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the First Sergeant why this animal is kept there...
"Well, sir," is the nervous reply, "As you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have...m-m-m...urges. That's why we have the camel sir."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the same Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he directs the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants and proceeds to have wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he finishes, he asks the First Sergeant, "is that how the men usually do it?"
"Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replies,"they usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are..."
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Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Joke of the Day?
A boy was playing with himself in the bathtub when his father walked in and said, “Son, if you don't stop doing that, you'll go blind.” The boy said, “Dad, I'm over here.”
Monday, November 9, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
What is the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
A hooker will stop trying to screw you
once you're dead.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Love & Marriage?
Two American tourists (maybe C.I.A. agents), a man and his wife are traveling somewhere in the Middle East (maybe Egypt). In a crowded market, a short Arab approaches the husband and whispers, "I'll give you 100 camels for your woman."After a long pause, the husband softly replies, "She's not for sale."
Looking at her husband, the indignant wife says, "What took you so %$#% long to answer?"
"Well", says the husband "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back to the States."
Keeping up with the Joneses?
Two neighbors, John and Sam, are always trying to one up one another...One summer day, John looks over the fence and spies Sam's wife, naked, watering the garden. When Sam arrives home from work, John brags to him about viewing his wife completely naked.
Sam decides to get some revenge. So that night, he slowly creeps over to John's yard and catches sight of John's wife performing oral sex.
The next day, Sam approaches John at the mailbox. "Hey, I saw your wife performing oral sex on you last night."
"Ha ha, the joke's on you," John says, "I wasn't even home last night!"
Friday, November 6, 2009
Love & Marriage?
Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives.The first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have a garage door."
The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she listens to an iPod and she doesn't have any earphones."
The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of condoms and she doesn't even have a d**k."
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Coming to America?
Two muslim sisters, Meenah and Neenah, just arrived in the USA. Walking down the street, they spot a N.Y.C. hot dog vendor. Meenah says to Neenah, “Look, people in this country eat dogs.”“Odd!” says Neenah, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding, they walk towards the hot dog vendor.
“Two dogs, please,” says Neenah.
The vendor wraps two hot dogs and hands them over the counter. Excited, the sisters hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their ‘dogs’. Meenah is the first to open hers. She stares at it for a moment and begins to blush with joy. Then she leans over to Neenah and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”
BREAKING NEWS:
Obama declared "King of the World" after renting the Titanic DVD from Blockbuster Video.
How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they prefer to sit in the dark and blame it on the Jews.
Like Father Like Son?
The father was distressed with his thirteen-year old son's preoccupation with breasts. The boy would repeatedly point to attractive girls and whisper: "Hey, Dad, look at the knockers on that one!"The father finally took the boy to a psychiatrist, who assured him that just one day's intensive therapy could cure the boy. When the session was over, father and son walked several blocks to a bus stop. The boy remained silent as they passed a number of pretty girls.
As they boarded the bus, the father was inwardly complimenting the psychiatrist. Then his son tugged at his sleeve and whispered: "Hey, Dad, look at the ass on the bus driver!"
Did You Know?
Bank of America started as Bank of ItalyThat's right, Amedeo Giannini, son of Italian immigrants to the US, started the Bank of Italy in a converted saloon in San Francisco in 1904. Giannini changed the name to Bank of America in 1928 and remained chairman until 1963.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Vatican Survivor?
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot, and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."
"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it into that camel and lets get the hell out of here!"
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
True or False: More movies are produced in Bollywood than Hollywood?
About 1000 movies are released annually in India, about twice the output of Hollywood. The "B" in Bollywood refers to Bombai (renamed Mumbai).
Monday, November 2, 2009
And what about the Amish?
An Amish girl tells her mom that her hands are extremely cold. Her mother suggests putting them between her legs to warm them up. "It works!"The next day, her Amish boyfriend says his hands are cold. So, following her mother's advice, she tells him to put them between her legs. He does and it works! With a smile on his face he says, "my penis is cold and needs warmed up?"
After about an hour, the girl goes home and says,''Hey mom, do you know what a penis is?'' "Yes," replies her mother. "Well" says the girl, ''Did you know they're really messy when they thaw out?"
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Five Minutes To Midnight?
A cop drives up to lovers lane and spots a car sitting in the dark. He slowly walks up to the car. With his flashlight he spots a girl in the back seat knitting and a boy in the front seat reading a book.The cop asks the boy how old he is and what he's doing...
The boy answers, "I'm reading a book and I'm 20."
Then the cop asks the girl her age...
The boy quickly replies, "She's knitting and she'll be 18 in about five minutes."
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