Saturday, October 31, 2009
Did You Know?
In Terminator 2 - Judgement Day, Arnold Schwarzenegger received a salary of $15 million; the 700 words he spoke translates to $21,429 per word. Based on this simple math, "Hasta la vista, baby" cost $85,716.
MORE BREAKING NEWS:
Obama awarded
the Rosewater Dish
at Wimbledon for doing
an image search of
Venus Williams on Google.
Who Invented Blonde Jokes?
A man asked a blonde what she thought about blonde jokes. She replied, ''I think they are good but they might be offensive to some mexicans."
BREAKING NEWS:
Obama declared the NASCAR Sprint Cup Series points leader for bailing out GM & Chrysler...
Friday, October 30, 2009
What's the difference between a Blonde & two Rednecks?
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road when her car breaks down. She goes to the nearest farmhouse and knocks on the door.
When the farmer answers, she says to him, ''My car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until I can get some help tomorrow?'' ''Well,'' drawls the farmer, ''you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke.''
The blonde looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. ''Okay,'' she says. After going to bed, the woman begins to get a little hot thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, ''Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?''
They say, ''Huh?''
She says, ''The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.'' She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, ''Luke? You remember that blonde woman that came by here forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?''
''Yeah,'' says Luke, ''I remember.''
''Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?'' asks Jed.
''Nope,'' says Luke, ''I reckon not.''
''Me neither,'' says Jed. ''Let's take these things off.''
The blonde looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. ''Okay,'' she says. After going to bed, the woman begins to get a little hot thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, ''Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?''
They say, ''Huh?''
She says, ''The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.'' She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, ''Luke? You remember that blonde woman that came by here forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?''
''Yeah,'' says Luke, ''I remember.''
''Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?'' asks Jed.
''Nope,'' says Luke, ''I reckon not.''
''Me neither,'' says Jed. ''Let's take these things off.''
Thursday, October 29, 2009
"What's for dinner HONEY?"
If your wife asks you to get some groceries, and you put on camouflage and grab a shotgun, you might be a redneck!!!
Did you know?
Hippocrates, the Father of Medicine, suggested that a woman could enlarge her bust line by singing loudly and often.
Three Wishes?
A guy walks into the bathroom and sees a very small man taking a leak. The little man looks at him and says "Hi! I'm a leprechaun! And because I like you, I'm going to grant you three wishes."The man thinks for a moment and then says
"I'd like a beautiful house."
"Granted. When you return home, you will have a gorgeous mansion."
"Great! Now I'd like a beautiful woman."
"Granted. When you return home, you will find a woman so amazing you will never look at another woman again."
"And I would love to have a huge penis."
"For that, you'll have to let me screw you in the ass."
The man hesitates, but since he wants a huge penis, he consents. As they're going at it, the man says "I can't believe I'm letting a leprechaun screw me in the ass!"
The little man says "I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun."
"Granted. When you return home, you will have a gorgeous mansion."
"Great! Now I'd like a beautiful woman."
"Granted. When you return home, you will find a woman so amazing you will never look at another woman again."
"And I would love to have a huge penis."
"For that, you'll have to let me screw you in the ass."
The man hesitates, but since he wants a huge penis, he consents. As they're going at it, the man says "I can't believe I'm letting a leprechaun screw me in the ass!"
The little man says "I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun."
John Fugelsang wonders why...
If you're afraid of competition, you're not a 'Capitalist.' If you don't want to save American lives, you're not a 'Patriot.' And if you don't want to help the sick, stop calling yourself 'Christian.'
Fantasy Ride?
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."
She responds, "Well..., let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
This is NOT a Tiger Woods joke...
A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Stupid Joke of the Day
Two condoms are walking down a street in San Francisco and pass a bar.
One condom nudges the other condom and asks, "Hey, want to go get shit-faced?"
Monday, October 26, 2009
Heaven & Hell?
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One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the townspeople were in church, listening to the organ play. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years!"
Teenage Angst?
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he''d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I''m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
Sunday, October 25, 2009
John Fugelsang said today...
"Over 60% of self-proclaimed sex addicts are eventually diagnosed as merely being male."
Why? Why? Why?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why are there flotation devices under airplane seats instead of parachutes?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on airplanes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Atheism is a non-profit organization?
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A Priest and a Rabbi are flying together in an airplane. After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you are not to eat pork?"
The Rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The Priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the Rabbi replies "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork." The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your Church that you remain celibate?"
The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The Priest replied, "Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, "A lot better than pork isn't it?"
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Is it safe to tell an "Obama Joke" in America?
John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama all die and go to heaven.
God looks down from his throne and asks McCain, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?”
McCain takes a breath and then replies, “Well, I think so because I was a great leader and tried to follow the words in your great book.” God looks down and then says, “You can sit to my left side.”
So, McCain takes his seat and then God asks the same question to Hillary, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?” Hillary thinks for a second and then replies, “I think so because I have been fighting for the rights of so many people for so long.” God again looks down and this time says, “You can sit to my right side.”
Finally God turns to Barack Obama and asks, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?”
McCain takes a breath and then replies, “Well, I think so because I was a great leader and tried to follow the words in your great book.” God looks down and then says, “You can sit to my left side.”
So, McCain takes his seat and then God asks the same question to Hillary, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?” Hillary thinks for a second and then replies, “I think so because I have been fighting for the rights of so many people for so long.” God again looks down and this time says, “You can sit to my right side.”
Finally God turns to Barack Obama and asks, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?”
Obama smiled and replied, “I think you’re in my seat.”
Politically Incorrect?
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A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society.After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.
"William, what are those women doing leaning against streetlights?"
"Oh, those are just hookers who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time."
"Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride, "the priests only used to give us an apple."
BREAKING NEWS:
Obama takes home a GRAMMY AWARD for learning all the words to Marvin Gaye's Motown Classic "Let's Get It On."
College Entrance Exam Question: True or False?
Does expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
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What REALLY happens in the Confessional?
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The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."
And Furthermore...
If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Crime & Punishment?
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The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. President Obama decides to give each law enforcement agency a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
Something to think about IF you're British?
IF people from Poland are called "Poles,"
why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?
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John Fugelsang said...
"Dick Cheney criticizing Obama on Afghanistan is like an Arsonist telling the Fire Department they missed a spot."
BREAKING NEWS:
Obama wins the Academy Award for Best Director after buying the Slumdog Millionaire DVD at Wal-Mart...
Love & Marriage?
How long a minute takes depends on which side of the bathroom door you're standing on...
EVEN MORE BREAKING NEWS:
Obama CAPTURES
the British Open
after having breakfast with
Tiger Woods and Prince Harry...
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